Have you ever had one of those weeks, or couple of weeks, where you just felt overwhelmed, insufficient, drained and well….defeated?
This is the way I have felt much of the last month. What is strange is that there is no HUGE drama or issue that would cause me to feel this way. It was just a serious of small things that never seemed to go exactly right. Like a puzzle piece that looks like it fits, but is just not quite right. Small things at work, where I felt inadequate and wanted to scream “I am doing the best that I can people. I am only human.” Times where you try to approach things with integrity, try to be fair to those you work with, give to others and end your day feeling like you just didn’t cut it. It.just.wasn’t.enough.
But then at the end of the day, my wonderful, patient husband would ask me how my day went and why I felt so defeated, and I wouldn’t be able to express one particular thing that took me down. On top of tangible dramas, the last month has been a challenge for me emotionally – this is likely more so the cause of feeling so overburdened. We started this month ready to jump into IUI 5.0 but my hormones were out of whack and a cyst showed up on my left ovary. This meant that IUI 5.0 had to take a back seat and I had to go on birth control for a couple weeks. (a little known fact: while it seems VERY counterproductive, when going through fertility treatments, you often have to jump on and off birth control to help level out hormones, shrink cysts etc) I was so frustrated to have to slow the process and get on birth control. In my mind, I just want to get through IUI 5.0 and IUI 6.0 so we can move on to IVF. There I go again, pushing my time table and my schedule….rather than trusting God through the process. Entering our FIFTH IUI was hard for me mentally too — not close to being “done” with this phase, but also not new to it. After 3 months of hormone injections and progesterone supplements and 6 week cycles, followed by 3 week cycles, followed by 2 week cycles, it is no wonder my body is confused. Come on body — just keep up with me a little bit longer. We can do this!
Anyways, I just go to the point where I was thinking ” I am just over this….I am over the shots and blood draws and ultrasounds and the mentality of just wanting to “get through” the IUIs to get to IVF. Nothing will make you feel defeated like spending all this time, energy and money, but yet not expecting a result because the doctor says it is unlikely the IUI will be effective. Blah.
On Easter, the Pastor at my parents church was talking about the resurrection (shocking I know being Easter). He spent a good amount of time talking about Jesus defeating the grave. It made me evaluate how I define defeat versus how Jesus defines defeat in defeating the grave through resurrection. In my definition of defeat, I allow outside circumstances and my own personal enemies to bring me down and define me. Jesus defeated the grave because He allowed God’s will to be done. He chose obedience in God’s will over his own emotions. Prior to being crucified, He even asked God that if His will would be possible without the crucifixion, that God would allow that to occur. It obviously was not possible and Jesus obediently followed and fulfilled His calling. In my defeat, I am taking all my worldly fears, stresses and doubts and pouring them over myself like a molding clay and pretty soon, my exterior is no longer me, but is the defeat I have smothered myself with. Instead, I need to be allowing God to fight my battles for me from the inside out. He can shield me from all the things life throws at me.
“Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle.
He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer,my shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me.” -Psalm 144:1-2
I have prayed a lot the last few weeks. I have prayed that I would lean in to God in my times of weakness. I have prayed that I would trust Him. I have prayed that I would not have the attitude of “I just need to get through this” and would instead appreciate every day we are blessed to have life. I don’t want to miss what God has for me in this season that is SO challenging. I don’t want to miss the relationships he is developing or the ways He is and will use my story.
In the last month God has shown me is that defeat is a choice. You can choose to defeat your struggle or you can let your struggle defeat you. God has also blessed me hugely in the last month to discover Revolution Studio. This spin studio is like NO OTHER spin studio in existence. Their goal is to leave you empowered and inspired. Oh my – do they ever. I have left almost in tears more than once because how the instructors encourage. At Revolution Studio, they call themselves warriors. If you ride with them, you are also a warrior. They remind you to push through struggle — to battle it out. They remind you that your time in the studio is ONLY for you! Finally something FOR me! I was trying to explain it to my friend today. When you are going through infertility, your life is consumed with details about your body, your emotions, your medications, your cycle, you, you, you. It seems like you have a microscope on everything — its all about you. It is draining and exposing; it is all about you, but….it is not FOR you. You go through every day thinking about what day you are on, “Hi my name is Tonya and I am a day 12″(any of my other infertility sisters with me?), what medication you need to take today, what time you have to be at the doctor, what side effect you will be feeling etc etc, all while seeing everyone (or what feels like everyone) growing their families with ease. That overexposure sometimes can leave you feeling empty. Well, the instructors at Revolution Studio remind you that this time is just for you. Leave your baggage on the bike through sweat and tears. It is FOR you.
I just can’t say enough about the blessing of Revolution Studio. I can’t spin during the “two week wait” but can’t wait to my next ride. Thank you to Michael, Sydney, Mel and Kim for changing my life. (those are the only instructors I have been able to ride with yet) Anyways, check them out if you want a community where you can encourage one another and sweat something crazy. You won’t regret it. They have three Houston locations.
Wrapping up I promise – this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. If you are trying to have a baby and feeling lost or defeated, know that there is God who loves you and can comfort you. Know also, that you have a friend in me that can and we can walk through the journey together. Find a way to battle through the struggle — for me it is in His healing Word, through the support of my amazing husband, family and sisters and in my time at Revolution Studio.
Blessings my friends!
The Leiva Life 
hang in there girl! I’ve been there!