This post is LONG overdue, but life has been busy and I wanted to make sure I took the appropriate time to write it right….its long – but its good – God is good. You have been warned. 🙂
I just re-read my last two fertility related posts and to remember where I was emotionally when we were going through IUI 5.0. Ya’ll I was done, I was over it. I hadn’t given up that God would work a miracle and allow us to get pregnant. God had spoken to me long ago, “Tonya, you will be a Mom, but my timing is perfect and better than yours….but it is going to be a journey. Ride along with me.” I did believe that and Alex would remind me when I was weak and would doubt. I was over the process and being consumed by appointments and shots and emotional roller coasters. I was over being defined as “Tonya the infertile — battling through infertility.” Going into 5.0, I was just done…that is the best way I can define it, especially when we hit a mini road bump and I had to get back on birth control for a couple weeks. So, I made a decision — we were just going to power through 5.0 to get to 6.0 so the IUI segment of our fertility journey could be DONE. I wasn’t going to stress about it and was just going to be me. So, as discussed in a previous post, we did only one IUI on the day that was most convenient for us. We had social events and drank wine. I went to spin and didn’t stress over if I was going “too hard.” We enjoyed life and I started to feel more like me and less like a shell of me. God walked me through, how to do that and what that looked like. God used my patient, gracious husband to support me exactly as I needed. He kept me balanced. We found ourselves in IUI 5.0 still HOPING the Lord would bless us with a child, but content in our own identities. For the first time, I felt like not being pregnant wasn’t a void, although it was something we desperately wanted. God allowed us to be ok with being us in whatever shape God was willing to make our family portrait look. Such peace. It is very hard, but God has a way to comfort you in difficult times where the loss, hurt, desire, need is not gone, but you don’t feel its absence because you are allowing God to carry the loss, hurt, desire, need etc and you are not trying to battle it alone. This has been my lesson in all of this…. Hope. That is what it looks like to HOPE in the Lord….to not hold back your desire or need, but to also fully relinquish it to Him and to LET GO and allow Him to work.
Well, following an IUI, you start the “two week wait” which is commonly discussed on fertility forums etc. A horrible two weeks of waiting to hear “Am I” or “Am I Not.” Stick with me, this is where my lesson in hope shifts gears.
My blood test to determine if I was pregnant or not was scheduled for Friday May 8th, 2015. As you continue on….please hear all the ways that God used our friends and family over the next week. God is SO faithful, even in our weaknesses. As that week began, I started getting emails, texts and phone calls from friends and family encouraging me. Telling me they are praying for Alex and I. Checking in on my emotional state. On Tuesday morning, I woke up praying “God, please let this one work.” That prayer surprised me — you know when you are praying and the words that come are not what you would have thought you would have prayed? (anyone with me?) Anyways, after saying that prayer I was thinking, “When is the last time I prayed that?” I had been praying to get through to IVF, for my hormones to balance so I could finish IUI 5.0, for health and safety, but never for 5.0 to work (or 2.0 or 3.0 for that matter). At the exact same time Lindsey texted me and said that I was heavy on her mind and that she was praying for me. I got out of bed and decided to take a pregnancy test. I had one in a box from before we started the fertility treatment, but I had never felt inclined to take it since before Christmas. I figured it couldn’t hurt so I took the test. Since it was only a couple days from my blood test I also assumed it would be somewhat accurate. Bri would always remind me to “trust the test.” So that was my plan. (Bri and I found it was easier emotionally to just trust the test than to psycho analyze whether the test was right or wrong) Anyways, I took the test and it was negative. I was assuming IUI 5.0 would be unsuccessful because from a medical standpoint and based on history, we had no reason to expect otherwise. If you are going through fertility issues, you are constant wavering between being optimistic and guarding yourself from getting your hopes up. If you are a faith believing person this is only heightened because you are also wavering between doubting and trusting God. My friend Caitlin texted me on Tuesday and asked how I was doing and when my blood test was scheduled. I told her about my negative test and she offered encouraging words. (unbeknownst to me, she had been praying and felt that God was telling her otherwise, so on that Tuesday of my negative test she ordered a onesie that read “For this child, I have prayed.) On Thursday, Erika showed up at my office to pray for my blood test the following day. I prayed for her as well as they were expected to find out over the weekend if this month was successful for them as well. I had been praying for Erika fervently and KNEW that this was the month she would be pregnant. I told her this during our time of prayer and she said she had the same feeling about me. I unfortunately gave this comment of hers no weight because over the past 4 years, those words have been spoken by various people many times and up until now had not proven true. (this is one of those “guard your expectations” moments) Thursday night I spent some time with Lindsey and we discussed the test the next day. She encouraged me with great words and I went to bed.
Are ya’ll still with me?!? Keep reading!
On Friday, I went to the doctor to take my blood test. I usually do not hear from them until after lunch time, so I came into work as usual. Around 11, I missed a call from my nurse at HFI. As I was on hold calling them back, I went ahead and logged into the portal. Normally when I log in after my blood test you can see your results and any messages they may have sent you. Historically there would be no message because when they called they would say, “The test was negative, wait to start your cycle and then schedule to come in on your Day 3 to start the next round.” I was surprised to see that I had a message. The message read “Continue taking progesterone once per day.” I was thinking that was odd because you normally stop on the date of your blood test. It made me question my results, so I went over to my actual results to check my HCG level. (FYI –> HCG = 0 when not pregnant; HCG > 0 when pregnant) To my SHOCK, I had an HCG level!! I was stunned. I did what any girl does when they are super excited, I started jumping all over my end of the office. Seeing as how it was a Friday, the office was quiet, so I
ran jumped my way over to Nicole’s desk screaming “I HAVE HCG! I HAVE HCG!” to which she replied “What does that mean?” (pretty sure she thought I had an STD) I responded “It means I AM PREGNANT!!!” to which she responded “then STOP jumping!!” God has blessed me with such an amazing support team here at work. Realizing I was still holding my phone waiting for the nurse, I put the phone back up to my ear. When Joy answered the phone, I said “Am I seeing what I think I am seeing?” She said, “we are as surprised as you. We checked your results three times, YOU ARE PREGNANT.”
Phew…anyone else need a breath here. WHAT? That is right! We are having a baby!!!
Since I royally screwed telling Alex we were pregnant when we got pregnant back in 2013, I had a plan of redemption. I jumped in my car and drove to The Woodlands to tell Alex in person. He was at lunch, so I parked in the parking lot and told him to come out to his car. He was nervous to see me and I was SO nervous to see him…it was like wedding day jitters all over again.
GUYS……we are having a BABY!!!! Praise the Lord for answering our prayer of HOPE!